Healing with humour: Taking better care of ourselves =>;-))
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Laughter Therapy - its no joke:
To read more about Hasya visit our pages
So Lord Caitanya is known as the one:
- hasya-kari & hasya-yuk ==> who laughs & jokes
- hasya-priya ==> who is fond of joking
- hasya-nagara ==> who is the hero of those expert in speaking joking words
- hasya-grami & hasya-kara ==> is expert at joking
- pushpa-hasa ==> whose smile & laugh are as charminng as flowers.
Lord Gauranga's smiling & laughing qualities ki...
ys Radhe Govinda dasa
P.S. One of the qualities of Srimati Radharani is that she is very expert
in the art of joking.
"Any gentleman should be a little humorous."
- Srila Prabhupada (Letter to Kurusrestha 75-09-26)(26th Sept 1976)
SOME FACTS ABOUT HUMOUR
"With devotion steeped in love and affection, the yogi should meditate within the core of his heart upon the laughter of Lord Vishnu. The laughter of Vishnu is so captivating that it can be easily meditated upon. When the Supreme Lord is laughing, one can see His small teeth, which resemble jasmine buds rendered rosy by the splendor of His lips. Once devoting his mind to this, the yogi no longer desires to see anything else." ~ S.P., Srimad-Bhagavatam 3-23-33 "Kapila's Instructions on Devotional Service"
SCIENCE - After surgery but prior to the administration of pain medication, patients were told one-liner jokes. Those patients who were exposed to the humor experienced less pain in comparison to the other surgery patients who didn't get a dose of humor as part of their therapy. ~ Summary from study published in ' Journal of Holistic Nursing'
Medical experts (Dr. Derk & Dr. Wiilliiamsburg) reveal that a powerful laugh will relax tensed muscles, brings more oxygen into the system and more quickly, lowers blood pressure, and offers a free, overall health benefits on many levels! And its free!. (If the FDA could manufacture a medicine like this, they'd charge a bundle.)
Loma Linda University Cali study by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan showed that physiological responses that were produced from belly laughter, were the opposite of what is seen in classical stress, thereby offering yet more evidence that laughing produces healthy or positive emotions.
Results of research by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan (Loma Linda U of Ca) indicated that after a good belly laugh, there is a general increase in activity within the immune system, such as: increased number and activity level of natural killer cells that attack viral infected cells and some types of cancer and tumor cells.
If it tickles your funny bone then chances are it will reduce the stress in your life and leave your immune system to do its part. This premise has been supported by both the field of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences. A recent publication with research data appeared in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Skin welt sizes were compared in patients suffering from severe allergies after one group watched a video featuring Charlie Chaplin and the other group listened to a documentary on weather. Needless to say, the Japanese study confirmed a reduction in skin welt size in the group watching the famed comedian. [FROM CNN.COM] CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, February 13, 2001:
MORE SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS ABOUT LAUGHTER
* Laughter stimulates physical healing.
* Laughter enhances our individual creativity.
* Laughter is rejuvenating and regenerating.
* Laughter is good for relationships (that includes friendships).
* Laughter opens the heart.
* Laughter gives us a glimpse of freedom from the mind. (In other words, helpful for getting off the mental platform!)
~~ Articles by N. Lehrman in Archives of Internal Medicine, April 26,1993; Lee Berk, Dr. P.H. in Loma Linda University School of Medicine News, March 11,1999; N.Silver in American Health, November 1986; J. McCormick in Lancet, August 1994.
"We are less likely to succcummb to feelings of depression and helplessness if we are able to laugh at what is troubling us. Humor gives us a sense of perspective on our problems. Laughter provides an opportunity for the release of those uncomfortable emotions which, if held inside, may create biochemical changes that are harmful to the body." Patty Wooten, author of 'Pulmonary Rehabilitation: Guidelines to Success'
SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS - Controlled studies have given evidence that a good belly laugh has lowered serum cortisol levels, increased amounts of activated T lymphocytes, increased number and activity of natural killer cells, and increased the number of T cells that have helper/ suppresser receptors. Or to sum it up: laughter off-sets the immunosuppressive effects of stress and is therefore significantly improves the health of the immune system. - Discoveries by Dr. Berk and Dr. Tan, Loma Linda University.
Evidence (from EEG) revealed that when a joke is just about to be told, the initial anticipation results in the brains cortex's left hemisphere starting the function of analyzing of word processing. Next, most brain activity moved to the frontal lobe (the center of emotions). After that, the right hemisphere's synthesis mix with the left's processing to look for and locate the pattern or to be able to "get" the joke. Very quickly following, though just prior to the persons had quite enough time to laugh, brain waves increase and spread to the occipital lobe which is the sensory processing areas of the brain. There was an increase in fluctuations of delta waves which reached a crescendo of activity and crested as the brain 'got' the joke followed by the recipient beginning of laughter. So here you have 'scientific' knowledge how laughter works, integrating the brain and getting it to all function together, thanks to Dr. Derk & Dr. Williamsburg. Now, stop analyzing and start laughing! :-) You have facts that it's actually beneficial for a variety of health issues, so don't minimize its importance and start giving yourself permission to take out time each day to laugh. Like a vitamin or even a meal, it's a necessity!
Courtesy of mother Pritaa ACBSP's site http://www.geocities.com/priitaa108/humor.htm
Laugh Yoga with Bir Krishna Goswami
Laugh Yoga during a picnic in Helsinki
Laugh Yoga with Master Laugh Therapist BK Goswami - Laugh Yoga at
It's Best In Split Croatia - 1 hr 41 min 49 sec - Aug 30, 2007
This is a MUST READ =>;-Q
Four Wives parable:
The sound of one hand clapping !!!!
sent in by Jayasri mataji - Auckland
Click on this link to see how really short life is.
sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP
Angry mouths flip out at a Press Conference
12 days of Xmas Indian style
.....if I were a terrorist:
Complex Karmas video clip
The chastity belt is a labour-saving device.
Know what the difference between in-laws and outlaws is?
Outlaws are wanted!
"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs."
- P.J. O'Rourke
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between ten and
twelve years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten-minute sermon about lying, starting with, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending up with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
"This is little strange. A couple in England named their new daughter Kia because she was delivered in the back seat of a Kia.
No one was happier than her older brother - Hospital Bed."
I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens
if there's no one there I know?"
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was to spend a few years in the desert.
The judge said that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?"
The man replied, "If it gets too hot, I can roll down the window."
Believe it or not:
Authorities in China are stopping strippers from performing at funerals. It comes after five arrests at a farmer's funeral.
Local villagers believe that the more people who attend the funeral, the more the dead person is honored. Nearly 300 people were reported to have attended the funeral.
Residents are encouraged to report "funeral misdeeds" on a hotline, earning a reward for information.
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beach-comber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
recently a friend corrected me on this and pointed out April Fools' Day
Complex Problems – Simple Thinking
by Madhava Gosh dasa
1. When NASA began launching astronauts into space, they found out that the astronauts’ pens wouldn’t work at zero gravity (ink wouldn’t flow down to the writing surface). It took them one decade and $12 million to solve this problem. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on practically any surface including crystal, and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.
And what did the Russians do? The Russians used a pencil.
2. One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management techniques was the case of the empty soap box, which occurred in one of Japan’s biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soap box that was empty. Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soap box went through the assembly line empty. Management asked its engineers to solve the problem. Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soap boxes that passed through the line, to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent whoopee amount of time and money to do so.
But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into the complications of X-rays, etc but instead came out with another solution.. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soap box passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.
3. A 50 feet long trailer having 48 wheels got stuck while entering a midtown tunnel in New York because it was approximately 0.2 feet taller than the height of the tunnel. The fire department and the state department of transportation spent the whole day searching for a solution, to no avail.
Then a child, aged about 9 years, asked his father, “Why can’t they take out the air from the tyre tubes? The height will automatically come down.”
Moral: Always look for simple solutions. And learn to focus on solutions,
not on problems.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later
The Kindergarten class was discussing "prayer", and the children seemed aware that the way you end a prayer was with "amen."
The teacher asked, "Does anyone know what 'amen' means?"
After a long silence one little boy piped up and said, "Well, I think it means, like, "Send'."
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Ruben piped up, "They must be bored again Christians."
Did you ever wonder?
Kevin had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what
Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
sent in by Pam Drysdale - Tauranga
God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked,'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.' The French
too wanted an example and the Lord said,
'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'
They said, 'How much are they?'
'We'll take 10.'
Militant Brahmacaris Protest Charmin Toilet Paper Factory
March 14th, 2008
CINCINNATI – Hundreds of fixed up brahmacaris rallied in front of the Charmin Toilet Paper Factory in Cincinnati, Ohio calling for a moratorium on the manufacturing of all bathroom tissue.
Police said around 400 celibate monks, including several high-ranking sannyasis and vanaprastas had taken to the streets.
The protests, sparked by a reprinting of the classic Brahmacarya in Krishna Consciousness, are the largest toilet paper factory protests since Fortunate Souls; The Bhakta Program Manual hit the bookshelves in 1996.
“Toilet paper is maya,” said protest organizer Vitananda das brahmacari, “and Charmin, the largest toilet paper manufacturer in the world, must cease this nonsense at once.”
The pakka brabhmacaris chanted and danced as others held signs reading “Water Not Wiping!” and “Lotas or DIE!” A large banner reading “Shower After Passing Stool!” was held up behind the protesters as several devotees burned an effigy of Mr. Whipple.
Shouts of “tonight you will wipe in hell” were heard over the clamor of dissent.
“This is the best place to kick off our operation,” said Malavata das Goswami, editor of Clean Bottoms, Clean Minds Magazine. “More than any other company, Charmin Toilet Paper Company is responsible for the unclean gates and unclean, stool-like minds of America.”
Part way through the protest, an aggressive cell from within the brahmacari community muscled through a police line and made their way to Vice President and CFO Clayton Daley’s office. There, they barricaded the doors and symbolically fired Daley on crimes of “launching a two-ply smear-campaign against humanity.”
Visibly shaken, Daley responded to the protesters’ calls for his dismissal, “who are you people and what the hell are you talking about?”
Several devotees under the influence of military-grade mace were seen being dragged from his office by police.
“We may lose a few to arrests,” said Vitananda, “but our numbers will continue to grow.”
But analysts said it would be difficult to get more devotes to join in the protests after Charmin announced that it would be donating several thousand cases of bathroom tissue to ISKCON temples across the United States.
ISKCON Governing Body Commission spokesperson, Mutrayoh das, in an attempt to quell the turmoil caused by the protesting factions, flew in from Mayapura to accept the offer, saying, “They are so nicely beginning their devotional service. Srila Prabhupada built a house in which the whole world, wipers and lota-ists, could live.”
The emotionally-charged rally organizer, Vitananda disagreed, “I must humbly beg to submit that you are mistaken, prabhu. This is an affront to Vedic civilization and you are diluting the true meaning of Krishna consciousness.”
Protests at Quilted Northern, Angel Soft and Scott Tissue are in the planning stages.
“We may not have had a victory in this battle today,” spoke Vitananda
as the protest was finally broken up by the Cincinnati Police Department’s
riot control squad, “but in the end, we will be victorious as more and
more as devotees realize that this mleccha wiping culture naturally causes
a person to become an inhuman monster and go to hell.”
Cincinnati Police Department’s riot control squad, “but in the end, we will be victorious as more and more as devotees realize that this mleccha wiping culture naturally causes a person to become an inhuman monster and go to hell.”
The Hing- ISKCON's Finest News Source
During a recent password audit by Google,
it was discovered that a blonde was using the following password:
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
"Hello! It has to be at least eight characters
long and include at least one capital!"
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
President Jimmy Carter's mother, Lillian Carter, once told a
story of a reporter who showed up at her house to interview her.
She opened the door, invited him in and said she was so pleased to meet him.
During the interview, the reporter presses her on whether or not
she has ever told a lie. She says 'not really,' but he pressed
her again, and she said maybe she's told a little white lie.
He asks what that means she says, "You know how I told you I was
pleased to meet you when you came in? That was a lie."
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about two seconds to say "Gimme a break lady!
Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that
her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The
mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window!
Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last
time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men
came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure this out."
A man went on a ski trip and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but they refused to cover his injury.
"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.
"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot and we consider that a pre-existing condition."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper."
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says,
"What's so funny?"
The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
sent in bt Yashi in Suva, Fiji
Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in
fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized
that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.
"I can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram of where
he should go and asked him if he would be able to find it now.
Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and went on his way.
Well, five minutes later he returned to the classroom and said to
the teacher, "I can't find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the
school for a while, to help him find the bathroom. So, Tommy and
Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.
The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?"
"Oh sure," Tommy replied, "he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
The ways of this material world - strange but true
send me an email on 25th December 2012 and remind me.......
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for
water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to
find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little
old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a
tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll
tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice
restaurant owned by my brother. Walk that way, he'll give you all
the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man
was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 4
miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it alright. He wouldn't let me in without a
What's the difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new BMW.
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.'
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew
on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard
is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",
says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade
it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey
soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have
to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends,
family and work. I live close so it's a short drive. I would like to go
to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical
activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt.
That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not. People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before! I have been in Deep shit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there. So far, I haven't been in Continent; but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...?
... you're singing it now, aren't you…??
sent in by Gary Kearns
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is the economics of government projects.
sent in by Shyamasundara prabhu ACBSP
Not the yuga dharma
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. "I was looking for my keys."
They were not in my pockets! A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically,
I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many
times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
Her theory was right! The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered (I always call her "Honey" intimes like these). "I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice. "Ken" she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have
not stolen your car!"
Some of us may relate to this!!!!!!
from Yashi in Fiji
It's an old story that we read in Class 5.... but with a new ending.
A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under
one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few
hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked
up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken
all his hats.
The hat seller sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to his mind* He took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too.
So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, Sukhwinder, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.
One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.
He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree.
He remembered his grandfather' s words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed.
He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed.
Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Sukhwinder threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and Guess!!! Said what???
"You think only you have a grandfather.
From Yashi in Fiji
.......more optical illusions and paradigm twists here:
A tall, hefty Sardar, new to town, stepped into a bar for a drink..........
Unfortunately, the regulars in the bar had a habit of picking on strangers.
When the Sardarji finished his drink, he found that the bike he had parked outside had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, banged his fist on the table and yelled,
one of you BASTARDS stole my bike?!?!?"
No one answered.
"Allright, I'm going to have another drink and if my bike isn't
back outside by the time I finish, I'm going to do what I did in
Patiala. And I DON'T like to have to do what I did in Patiala!" he said calmly.
Some of the regulars shifted restlessly......
The Sardarji, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside and
that his bike had been returned outside the bar. Sardarji started the bike to ride out......
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Sir, before you go...... what happened in Patiala?"
The Sardar turned back and said, "I had to walk home."*
from Yashi in Fiji
The Parking Inspector's Funeral.
As the coffin is lowered into the ground at the Parking Inspector's funeral a voice from within screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done."
Mafia Valentine's Day Greetings
My love for you...
it came and went.
So your feet are now
in wet cement.
I'm here to fulfill
your fondest wishes
Now that your husband
sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying
wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe
only in India
There is a Muslim passenger in a taxi. He asks the taxi-driver to turn off the radio
He explains that he must not hear music as decreed by his religion , for in the time of the prophet, there was no music ... no radio…….
So the driver turns off the radio, stops the car , leans over and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him : "What are you doing?"
The driver replied : "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out my car and wait for a camel"
sent in by Pam - TNG
By all means marry.If you get a good wife you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one,you'll become a philosopher.
5 Thoughts You’ll Have at the Time of Death.
by Madhava Gosh dasa
No point in avoiding the inevitable: let’s get on with it then, shall
Five thoughts you won’t have:
1. “I wish I’d had more plastic surgery.”
2. “I’m so glad I watched every episode of Desperate Housewives: it has given me a deep sense of fulfillment and inner peace.”
3. “I really regret not buying those midnight blue Hardtail rolldown yoga pants.”
4. “I have absolutely no fear of what is about to happen: I have money in the bank and good insurance.”
5. “I’m so glad I chose this peach silk nightgown: it really works
with my complexion….”
Five thoughts you will have:
1. “I wish I hadn’t been afraid to think about what is going to happen next.”
2. “I wish I’d been a better person.”
3. “That was fast.”
4. “I want another try.”
5. “I think I left the oven on…”
Five thoughts you hope you’ll have:
1. “This is it: I have no fear, I am surrounded by love, and I accept this.”
2. “I have the spiritual strength and understanding to face this moment.”
3. “I don’t want to come back…”
4. “Whatever state of being one remembers when he quits his present body, in his next life he will attain to that state without fail.” (Bhagavad-gita)
5. “Bitch, get your hands off that diamond necklace.”
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
ST. FRANCIS :
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS :
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS :
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS :
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS :
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS :
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS :
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore..
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
"Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about.....
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
sent in by Pam Drysdale TNG
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
sent in by Yashi - Fiji
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
sent in by Yashi - Fiji
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
sent in by Yashi in Fiji
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
from Yashi in Fiji
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
sent in by Yashi in Fiji
Fresh paint bench.
Explaining visual math in a simple way.
Red flag prank.
Car crash scare prank.
Parking ticket tease.
Prank: Two Japanese girls turn into old Japanese men.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
sent in by Yashi in Fiji
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..'
sent in by Yashi in Fiji
In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local Schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC..
In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for 'Water Closet'.
She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC.. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a 'WaysideChurch' near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house.
It is located in the middle of a grove of
pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229
people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.
This is an unfortunate situation
especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the
WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event.
There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions
on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it
is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Woman fainted reading the reply.......and she never visited India!!!!
....talking of STUPID once the Government sells all a country's assets to overseas investors, see how much electricity and other necessities will cost then.
dancing optical illusion
Special Mridanga Lessons
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...
she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
Ooooops.........lost in translation
A lady rang my doorbell, saying she was selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.
I said, “Forget it. Knowing my luck, I’d win one”
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. The police said details are sketchy.
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.
Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
A preacher went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a new pair of bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn't work so well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them.
He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing problems.
"I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses," he said. "You see, when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me feel sick."
At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.
A guest seated next to the speaker said, "WoW, your wife has sent you a "KISS" before you begin your speech; she must love you very much!"
The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife yet; The letters stand for: "KEEP IT SHORT, STUPID! "
I have been eating little bits of metal for the last 3 weeks.
My doctor told me I needed a staple diet.
Today's scientists have substituted mathematics for experiments,
and they wander off through equation after equation,
and eventually build a structure which has no relation to reality.
Nikola Tesla, Modern Mechanics and Inventions, July, 1934
He who asks is a fool for five minutes,
but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
The Old Professor is teaching Sunday Class and asks the kids, "Who brought down the walls of Jericho?"
Little Maury: "Samson!"
Little Sandy: "Joshua!"
Little Pauly: "I'm no snitch like those two, and all I'm going to say is that it wasn't me!"
In the material world you're are usefull as long as there's an audience......
A Sunday School teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do you all say your prayers at night?"?
Little Johnny's hand shot up, " Miss, My Mommy says my prayers."?
"Oh, I see," said the teacher, "and what does your Mother say?"?
"THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!" says little Johnny.
Sally, can you spell "water" for me?" The teacher asked. H I J K L M N 0 answered Sally promptly.
Her teacher look puzzled. "That doesn't spell "water.'"
"Sure it does," said Sally. "It's all the letters from H to O."
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a
question?" - Discuss.
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!
Einstein, "“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
to go under Mundane education system pic
Attendance call on the first day back at school in Brampton, Ontario
( a suburb of Toronto).....
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Fatima Al Chadoury? "
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated, "Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?"
A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced
A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?" (
Again the answer was "No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education.
One day she came home with five applications, and later that evening we read them.
Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting."
And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."
In a State school the teacher said: Oxygen is very essential to life. It was discovered in 1773
Boy at the back of the class : Thank God I was born after 1773 else I would have died!
A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students,about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's
been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after
summer. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like
to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course."
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance."
One final student rose up and took the offer.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself." he said. "You all have "A"s.
Mrs. Taylor asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and called on Timothy to answer first.
"Rome was built at night." was his answer.
"At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor. "How ever did you get such an idea?"
"Well," gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her, "Everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a day."
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance.
Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.
The professor carefully studied the answer script and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."
An oral surgeon was scheduled to extract four wisdom teeth from a devotee, who had opted to be sedated for the
procedure. As the intravenous anesthesia was being administered, the doctor asked the devotee how he was feeling.
"Man," he replied, struggling to keep his eyes open, "I feel like I'm
in Bhagavatam class."
The average college graduate does not read one serious book a year.
If you read one book a week you will be considered over the years one of the greatest thinkers of your generation.
If you read one hour a day on any given subject you will be considered an expert on that subject in five years.
~Dr. David L. Baldwin from the course 'The Theology of Serving'~
.........so please read Srila Prabhupad's books daily.
For those who don't have enough arguments in their lives.
sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a school teacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"
Most Extreme Sport
How to take bath quicly using the "Crazy Water Slide"
Check out these guys having fun on a 300ft slip n slide
Fresh paint bench.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re frame or reinterpret the first part.
It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. (I have to remember this one)
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is wh ere a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pes simist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
During a lecture on the influence of media on teens, a typo in the PowerPoint presentation revealed the professor's true opinion.
The title read "Three Reasons Teens Are Vulnerable Toads."
Contributed by Michael Dobler
from Reader's Digest!
Check this out....funny tribute to muthers.
The next one was funny too, I counted more than a few things that my mom told me (-:
sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what's sex?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
A professor - an atheist - was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no a God.
He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG Maori Rugbyl player happened to walk by the door and heard about what the professor said.
The Rugby player walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"
The Rugby player replied, "God was busy. He sent me."
Annual English Teachers' awards for best student metaphors/analogies found in actual student papers:
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
"I heard a loud noise this morning."
"I think it must have been the crack of dawn."
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him
everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the
radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported
seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials
of the zoo as well as the animal handlers were summoned to the
library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with
two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great
concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied,
"I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether
I am my keeper's brother."
from Stan Kegel
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English,"
he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though,
such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there
is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice
from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
News from the London Olympics
Do you know why so many materialistic scientists are prone to getting lost in deep thought?
Because it's such an unfamiliar territory for them!
"Pancake and pizza," exclaimed the devotee, "Will that help it?"
"No", replied the doctor, "But it's the only thing we can slip under the door."
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
– Albert Einstein
Please Try our little Colour Test - Right Brain vs Left Brain:
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