Hasya Raasa

The Adults Only Part
Vedic Culture;
Neo-Vedic Culture.

Baesharam (almost dirty or near to gross.)
Not Suitable for Sannyasis - Brahmacharis - or Children.
 -o  -o  -o  -o  -o  -o  -o  -o
Some sexual content in some of the jokes may offend:
If you haven't done it, have no experience of it, are not prepared for it, would like to avoid it,
or are not involved in it, thus cannot laugh at it, then better you do avoid it.




If you a sannyasi or brahmacharin, under 18 years of age, or are easily offended, or someone looking to find fault then  now.

If you are expecting the Baesharam section to be cloistered to what Prabhupada said, rather than jokes from some of my Hindi speaking, Indian national friends who are mostly grihasthas  now.

If after all the warnings about the possible REAL WORLD contents, you would still like to have a laugh at the cost of the material world and what goes on, taking full responsibility for yourself   and have laugh.

Once when a life member who was a lawyer was walking with his wife a very well known Visaya Kanya, prostitute came by in the other direction and with a bewitching smile, and a raise of the eyebrows, she called  out to the man by his name. "Kise aap Sridhar bhai? (How are you 'brother' Sridhar?)"
The wife grew suspicious and asked her husband, ".........And how do you know that pumscari, prostitute  (one who is moved by many men)?"
"I met her once in connection with work." replied Sridhar.
"In connection with your work or her work?" the wife sternly enquired.

* * *

Once a young brahmana went to the house of a very respectable brahmana seeking the hand of the elderly brahmana's young daughter.

My dear sir, I have herd that your daughter has all good qualities, is this true ? Does she really posses all good, and pleasing looks ?
 Huh...... more than that, she is Sundara vati ! (she has the qualification of great beauty).
 Huh, huhuuh, .............Padma vati (her beautiful looks are qualified by the looks and delicate complexion of a pinkish lotus.)

But can she cook, and keep the house ?
 Huh.......she is Dharma vati (she possesses all good qualifications of one's occupational duties in life).

Now can she sew ?
 Huh......not only can she sew, but she is Kala vati (qualified in all the arts).

What about her education ?
 Huh, huh,....Vidya vati (more than qualified in every subject).

.............and the Vedas ?
 Huh, huh, huh.......Veda vati!

My dear sir she sounds like the most qualified wife. Please forgive my inquisitiveness, and not that I have any doubt in the qualifications of your most sought after daughter.
 It's just that in this age of kali everything has some fault, now could it be, .........though not that I suggest it, .........that, ........maybe, ........your daughter also has some fault ?

The elderly brahmin tilted his head forward in humility, and said in a soft voice.

"There is something, ........Garbha vati." (in other words her garbha, or womb has already been qualified. In other words she is unmarried and yet pregnant).

* * *

What did the Gujarati say to the singing prostitute?

Now you're going from Bed to Verse.

* * *
Bhakta Shanta Singh and Banta Singh are sitting in the reception of the Iskcon temple in Juhu Beach (Bombay - Mumbai), when Bhakta Banta noticed a beautiful blonde sitting by herself in the corner near the counter.

Being Life members, and men of the world, Shanta approached the receptionist and asked which room she is staying in. The receptionist replied, "Oh prabhu, don't you try to get involved with her, I tried last night but she's a lesbian!"

Banta Singh, "Lesbian or no lesbian, I can see my ticket to the west in her eyes.....!", and stylishly slincked over to where she was sitting and said, "The receptionist tells me that you are a lesbian......!" Then speaking in a husky sexy voice said, ".....What part of Lesbia, you from?"

* * *

An elderly baba was walking down the parikrama path when he saw a frog. The frog said, "Old man, if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess, I'll be yours forever, and we can make passionate love every night."

The man put the frog in his pocket and continued walking. The frog said, "Hey, I don't think you heard me, I said if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and we can make passionate love every night."

The man took the frog out of his pocket and said, "Believe me, I heard you, but at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

A variation of this one is that a brahmacari was walking down the parikram path wehn he saw this frog. "Hey prabhu" the frog croacked, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful Princess, you can marry me, we can have lots of children, and I will always serve you nicely!!!"

The brahmancari picked up the frog and put it in his pocket and carried on walking down the path. "Hey, " the frog yelled, "I don't think that you heard me right. I can fulfil your wildest desires..........!"

The brahmacari was then heard to say, "I really don't need all that, but a talking frog, that cool!!!"

* * *

A minister who always read his sermons placed his manuscript on the pulpit about 30 minutes before the service. One young member of the congregation removed the last page.

Preaching vigorously, the minister came to the words, "So Adam said to Eve. . ." and turned the page to find to his horror the final page was missing.

He gained a little time by repeating "So Adam said to Eve..." then, in a low voice, which the microphone carried to every part of the church, he added, "there seems to be a leaf missing."

* * *

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow- up." "Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot, I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear." "That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. " It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"

* * *

A couple of grhamedhis were heard arguing on their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked
 his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body. She said,
 "I can't wear your pants."

"That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family."

The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on. "No way. I can't get into your pants."

"That's right." she said, ".....And that's the way it will be until you change your attitude.

* * *

A young man was extoling the virtues of his beautiful fiancee. When one of his closest friends said to him: "You can't be serious about marrying Ritu! Why, she's dated every man in Delhi."
The bridegroom-to-be thought awhile and then muttered pensively, "Delhi isn't such a big town."

* * *

As one mathaji was explaining to another, "What do men and tiled floors have in common?"

"If you lay them real well, you can walk on them for years."

* * *

Once a young brahmin was boasting about his family lineage, and his birth rite. He was born a smarta, his father, he told everyone was a dig gaj pandit beyond compare, who was undefeated in all learned circles.
 His mother was also a very aristocratic lady of high birth coming in the gotra of the Muni Baradwaj. His mother was not only born in a very nice family, she was also very well educated in the fourteen schools of Vedic learning, he told, not only this, but she was very beautiful also.
 The young brahmin continued boasting that, "I think she must have had some mystic powers as well, because, isn't it amazing that I was born some five years after my fathers' departure from this world !

* * *

When I was a brahmacari I was nearly married by the Temple President to a girl who resembled the Venus de Milo.

Some said she was harmless, and cold as marble.

* * *

Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts.

* * *

       lekhni pustika nari
          parahastha gata gata
        kvacit kvacit punarayati
          nastha brastha cucumbita

"If your pen, book or your lady be leant to somebody else, they will not come back, or they will be lost. However if by some trick of providence any of the above do come back, for sure the pen will be broken or at best without ink, the book will be torn or in some way damaged, and the lady will no longer be."

* * *

The innocence of childhood:

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the tail off his secretary."

* * *
The Pope and one of his top cardinals were taking a long train ride one day.
The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle, and the cardinal was reading the Bible.

Suddenly the Pope asked the cardinal, "What's a four letter word for `woman' ending in ..u..n..t?"

The startled cardinal stammered for a bit, then said, "Uh.. er.. aunt! Yes, aunt!"

"Oh, of course", said the Pope, slapping his forehead, "Got an eraser?"

* * *

When I was living in India we were preaching in the villages where many of the people were tending cows and buffaloes for a living.

One evening there was a big noise at the house where we were staying, apparently it was something to do with one of the cowherd girls not being able to keep her calves together.

* * *

A man was driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads.....


  He thinks it was a figment of his imagination...drives on.
  Soon, he sees another sign which says...


  Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third...


  His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway.
  On the side of the parking lots, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads..


  He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

  "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business"...he answers.

  "Very well, my son.  Please follow me," says the nun.

  He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented.  The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves.

  The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

  He places the money in the nun's tin cup.  He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.  As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

  Go in Peace.  You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy

* * *

A brahman approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at the office and says, "Will you have sex with me?"

"No. My husband wouldn't approve."
"O.K. I know that your husband is in debt. What if I give you $1000?"
"Well, for helping my husband, a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work!"
So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!).
In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?"

"Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern.

"And did he leave $1000?"
"Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst.
"Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"

* * *

How does DTC promote family planning?

It requires that people "peechhe se chadhen"!

* * *
Doctor: "Your wife either has Ahlzeimer's or AIDS."

Husband: "How can we find out which?"

Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend.  Take your wife to a park and leave her there.  If she finds her
 way home; don't have sex with her."

* * *

"My wife narrated this one. And even though I thought it was very funny, I had to cluck my tongue and say 'how dare he....?'
 Well, she and a few of her friends were travelling on DTC one day. As usual, the bus was packed. And these guys were occupying the ladies seats. Well, my wife, being a woman of a strong will, asked one of the guys sitting in a ladies seat: 'Bhai, yeh ladies seat hai. Ooper likha hai, dikhai nahi deta?'

To which he replied, '..to jahaan likha hai, wahin baitth jao!!'  "

    Contributed by Podury Satyanarayana, U.S.A.

* * *
Garden Humour:

A keen gardener took a Lady out to dinner for the first time.
Later they went to a show. The evening was a huge success and as he dropped her at the door he said :
"I had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful,
you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose.
May I call on you tomorrow?".
She agreed and the date was made.
The next night he knocked on her door and when she opened it she slapped him hard across the face.
He was stunned "What was that for?" he asked.
She said:
"I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said, 'Not well suited to bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall' "

* * *

I was talking to one of our life members who told me about something that happened to them as they were having some challenges in their married life.

The husband bought his frigid wife a big tube of K-Y jelly and told her, "This will make you happy."

It did.

She put it on the bedroom doorknob after he went out.

* * *

During the time of the British Raj in India an English Colonel Commander of an Army Cantonment in Madras joined a dinner party organised by the local Jawans to celebrate a Wedding of one of their people. The menu was traditionally Madrasi, hot and spicy.
 The next morning at breakfast the Colonel commented to his wife, in a very British Raj accent "Today my Mem Sahib, I discovered why the dashed Indians clean themselves by using water in the lavatory; toilet paper would catch on fire !"

* * *

Once just after the end of the Prabhupad Marathon, when the devotees traditionally work themselves into the ground for a month or so, the end is met by a day or two's relaxation, and recouping on lost sleep etc.
 Round at Mother Narayani's it was the same, after six weeks of minimising bodily comforts to push on the preaching she decided to give herself a treat of a long hot soak in the bath.

Just then Sankirtan das the sankirtan leader came to the front door and asked Narayani's young daughter if he could see her mother.
 Little Padmavati brought him in, and he did !

* * *

A devotee goes to the post office to post off a Krsna Conscious book to a friend. The postal clerk asks him "Is there anything breakable inside?" "Only the principles of Krsna Consciousness," he replied.

* * *

Did you hear about the woman who got pregnant doing the Lambada?

That proved that the rhythm method just doesn't work.

* * *

Once in a village near Kumbakonam, in rural South India a local farmer was helping at his wife's delivery by holding the kerosene lamp so as the doctor could see what he was doing. When the doctor produced not one but three fine babies, the farmer took the lamp to a distant place. "Come back here with that lamp," cried the doctor, "I think there's another." "Forget it," answered the farmer in a very stern voice, "I think it's the light that's attracting them."

* * *

Mahatma Gandhi's list of seven deadly sins is as follows:

Wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character, business without morality, science without humanity, worship without sacrifice and politics without principle.

* * *

An 'American' tourist couple, both sociologists, were walking the streets of a small town in Saudi Arabia.  It was nearing the middle of the day and they didn't want to miss lunch at their ramshackle hotel-the only one in town and which always served meals promptly.
They came upon an old goat herder perched on a stool beside his camel.
"Excuse me, sir," the man asked, "but could you tell me the time?"
The old man glanced at them, spat in the dirt, then turned and reached under his camel....and hefted the animal's testicles.
After a moment, he released them.  "It is 10 minutes before noon," he replied.  The couple exchanged confused looks, thanked the man and hurried back to their hotel, arriving just in time for the meal.
Later that day, the wandering couple found themselves again on the same street and spied the old herder perched beside his camel, apparently unmoved.
Curious as to how he could tell time by fondling his animal's balls they approached him and asked again, "Sir, can you tell us the time?"
They watched closely as he again reached up and grabbed the camel's jewels, seemingly judging their weight, then pronounced, "It is half-past four."
The couple excitedly exchanged looks.
The woman blurted, "Oh, sir!  That is an amazing ability you have!  Could you show us how you do it?"  "Surely," the herder responded tiredly, and motioned them to squat beside him.  "Now, grasp his jewels gently and lift them up to his belly"
The woman did so while her companion watched.
"What now?", she inquired.
"Now," said the old man, "look over there ... can you now see the clock in the far tower?
When the big hand is on the......"

With thanks to Mike T. in UK for sharing this one.

* * *

Have you heard of the radio station WPMS?

They program three weeks of blues and then a week of ragtime.

* * *

Two young gurukulis, Madhava and Laxmi were somehow left alone on a cold evening in the lounge room at the gurukula. Suddenly Madhava turned to Laxmi and said in a timid, little voice, "Shall we play being  married?"

"Oooooh yes!" said Laxmi beaming from ear to ear. "Well, could you be a dear and pop into the kitchen and make me some pakoras?"

* * *

Children - what a comfort they are in your old age !

And how much sooner they can bring it on.

* * *

"My friend's sister gave birth in a state of the art delivery room," said one devotee to another. "Prabhu it was so high tech that even the baby came out cord-less."

* * *

How prasad seva is better than sex life
-lasts longer
-you can do it more often
-after effects last a few hours as opposed to 16 years or more
-gives energy instead of taking it.

* * *

Sex and "the sowing of wild oats" is so common place in modern times.
You can see why, there are more cereals on T.V.

* * *

In the Vedic tradition the sexes were often naturally segregated. The men spent time with the men-folk, and the women with the women-folk. In this way there was no need of contraception.

* * *

One evening there was a knock at the door so I called out for them to come in. A young woman came in, so out of social etiquette I stood up, trying to be a gentleman.

The next thing she slapped me on the face.

Maybe it was because I was in the bath at the time?

* * *

Psychiatrist to patient: "I am going to sketch some pictures, and you have to tell me what you think you see in each one!"
 The psychiatrist proceeds to sketch a circle with a dot in the middle. "That's Madonna with her conical bra."
 The psychiatrist proceeds to draw a cube with a cross on one side. The patient said, "That's an old picture of the blonde bombshell Diana Dors lying on a couch."
 The psychiatrist draws two triangles with a circle inverted at the bottom of the left one. The patient looks, and says, "That's an old picture, where did you get that? That's Jayne Mansfield with her long slender legs."
 The psychiatrist draws another, this time a rectangle with a triangle inside it. The patient obviously excited says, "Yes, yes, that's a picture of a beautiful young girl getting changed out of her bikini!"

The psychiatrist gets up and says to the patient: "I'm afraid I can't do anything for you - you're a sex maniac."

The patient very upset sneered back, "What do ya mean? Who? Me? It's you whose been drawing all the dirty pictures !"

* * *

A British Diplomat visited India. The Indian Prime minister is showing him around. They pass the Parliament House and find a man passing water up against the wall. The British Official asks in Hindi, "daekhoo saalaa muut rahaa hai! tumharaa police nahin pakarta? kaisaa daesh hai Bharat?" (Look, the bugger is passing [crude vernacular 'pissing'] Doesn't the police catch hold? What a country!)
 Undaunted, the Pradhanmantri replies: "Nahin. Ham Hindustani log apnaa khud pakartaa." (No. We Indians hold it ourselves!!!)

* * *

Once I knew a devotee who whenever we would have to go somewhere he would say, "Hey, let's make like a hockey player, and get the puck outta here!"
 A more Krsna conscious exit was heard by a couple of gurukulis who responded to each other as follows, "O.K. prabhu I'm gonna make like Jarasanddha - I'm gonna split!"
 The other responded, "I'll do like Sisupal later - I'll head-off too."
I'm gonaa be the first like a cow pat - to hit the road!!!!

* * *

I saw a person walking down the street the other day, and on their tee-shirt it was written;
   "Instant Moron, simply add alcohol and watch what happens!"

Alcohol is the one substance that can turn any person into a moron with just a few glasses. In that regard did you hear about the optician's daughter who went to a cocktail party. Two glasses and she made a spectacle of herself.

* * *

In this fallen age the age of adolescence is when growing children start questioning the answers.

* * *

I'm sure you've seen the advertisements about Hire Purchase items; Air Trips and Holidays - Fly Now Pay Later, everything is being done on the Never-never.....!

Even our local marriage registrar's office has the sign:

"Marry Now, Pay Later !"

* * *

After my mother gave birth to twelve of us children, it elevated the status of my mother greatly.

We found that elevating her kept her out of reach of my father.

* * *

A baby sitter told me that once when she was sitting at a friends house while the lady of the house was in hospital giving birth to her fifth child, a friend called and asked, "I wonder what they're gonna call this one?"
 "I know," said the little four year old. "I heard Pitaji telling Mathaji that, when the baby arrives, they're going to call it Quits."

* * *

Did you hear about the devotee farmer who just couldn't keep his hands off his wife.

Well he's sacked the farm hands.

* * *

I was just reading that abortion laws in Australia over the past few years have drastically changed for the worse.
 The instance is recorded as follows. A young girl with an unwanted pregnancy goes to the newly opened 'abortion clinic'. The doctor approaches her and reveals his real intentions for his business.

"There are two ranges of fees that we charge for 'removing the tissue'. the doctor said.

"What are they?" asked the girl.

"Well there is the $25.00 or the $150.00," he replied.

"I see," she said. "What exactly is the difference in the two operations?"

"Well, er, ......with the $25.00 operation there's a two year waiting list!"

* * *

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

* * *

Sitting in a bus station one afternoon waiting to catch my return bus to the temple after a days' sankirtan on the street. I took note of those around me, the middle aged Jewish man sitting next to me, and the young girl in her early twenties, sitting next to him, I think studying.
 The girl suddenly turned to the middle aged man and said, "Excuse me sir, does M-I-R-A-G-E spell marriage?"
 "Oh, most definitely, my dear," the man replied with a sigh. "Most definitely."

* * *

Why aren't elephants allowed on beaches?

They just can't keep their trunks up!

* * *

Last week at gurukula little Anjana was asked to name a beast of burden. After some consideration, he said, "My Pitaji."

* * *

......a story came my way from the travel industry.

What happened was that at the height of the tourist season, there was a conference scheduled at this hotel on the Australian Gold Coast. Because of the convention all the hotels nearby were full, what to speak of this one.
 The manager of the hotel took pity on the poor fellow wanting a room and told him, "There is a bed available, .....but it's in Mr Jackson's twin suite. He won't mind, but the trouble is that other people who we have put in there have complained in the morning that they didn't get even a wink of sleep because of Mr Jackson's snoring."
 Desperate, our tourist friend said he would take his chances.

Next morning, at breakfast, the manager stopped by his table and asked how he had fared with the snoring during the night.
 "Splendid. Had a wonderful night's sleep!"
 "Good heavens, ....how did you manage that?"

"Simple," our friend replied. ".....before turning in, I went over to Mr Jackson's bed and kissed him. He then sat up all night watching me!"

* * *

In looser cultures it is said that a tight dress never stopped a girl's circulation.

* * *

A rather poorly educated, and severely disadvantaged woman went to the social welfare asking for help. She told how her poor husband had died fourteen years before, and that now she was on her own, and had six children to bring up.

"So how old are the children?"

"Ravi's ten, Gopal's eight, Rama's seven, the twins are six, ...and....."

"Hey hang on! I thought you told me that your husband has been dead these past fourteen years?" said the Welfare Officer.

"He has, ......I ain't!" she said.

* * *

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children.  Again, her husband died.  But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."  In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."

* * *

Why can't a train sit down?

Because it's got a tender behind.

* * *

After traveling a few blocks, a certain young Miss who possessed rather bigbreasts realized she had no money and immediately informed the driver. "You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's ten dollars already," she said.

The lusty dog of a driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror.

"That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra."

"You'd be cheating yourself," she replied. "This bra is only worth five dollars at most."

* * *

There's one woman in our village said Lallan, she's been married so many times its completely irreligious.

We finally found out why. She really likes wedding cake!!!

* * *

Mataji, can I go outside and help Pitaji fix the car...............I know all the words!

* * *

Statistics have shown that fifty per cent of all the devotees who get married in India are girls.

* * *

Acintya dasi is so silly that she thinks that when two flags get married that they have baby buntings.

* * *

I was out last week and I rang my wife on the mobile phone. She asked me where I was, and I told her St. Albans.

"What are you doing at his place?" she replied.

* * *

During the time of the British Raj an incident has been remembered around the time of the new Subaltern's arriving in Poona. He was shown his quarters by the adjutant and then taken to the Mess to meet the Colonel.

"Welcome to the Mess, me boy. What did you say your name was?" the Colonel asked.

"My name, Sir, is Fotheringay."

"Not a relation to the Fotheringay's of the Buffs by any stroke of chance, what?"

"Why yes Sir. He is my uncle." said the Colonel.

"By gad. Well. Well .Well. You're doubly welcome to the Mess."

"Thank you Sir!"

"I say Fotheringay, are you married?"

"Why yes Sir."

"....and whom did you marry?"

"Alice Wingate, Sir."

"Any relation to Colonel Wingate of the Fusiliers, by any chance?"

"Yes Sir, his daughter."

"By gad. That's wonderful. You're triply welcome to the Mess. By the way, is your wife with you?"

"Not yet, Sir. I had to leave her in bed in Calcutta with cramp."

"Good heavens. Not Cramp of the Grenadiers I hope!"

* * *

Did you hear about the devotee who formed a strong attachment for his wife?

Yeah, he fitted it on her mouth.

* * *

Can you remember when the air was clean and having sex in public was dirty?

* * *

What a sight!
How degraded things have become!

There's a strip-tease club in Bombay, the stripper uses eight pigeons in her act. For the encore the pigeons take their feathers off.

* * *

I know a devotee, he's so cautious that he even looks both ways before crossing his legs.

* * *

One mataji was telling me about her husband. Ever since he had a recent operation he's been eating like a horse.

It might be because his wife gives the slob his prasadam in a nosebag.

* * *

Ring, ring, ......ring, ring.

Hello,  ......Incontinence Hotline...........Can you hold, please?

* * *

You know how there have been so many people getting shot in India recently. Well another one was recently shot too!
 A boy called Aniruddha was minding his own business like he always does, everyone likes him, he's never upset anyone. Well what happened is that "for no reason" someone shot him from across the room, the bullet hit his head, careered into space - and came out just behind his ear. No one was hurt.

* * *

There is more to marriage than just looks, developing relationships are really important, what ordinary man wants a talking doll?

* * *

In the samkirtan office after a day on the street some of the devotees were swapping experiences and realisations.
 "I was out on samkirtan this morning when this sleazy looking man came up to me and said, "Hey! Psst ! You into pornography?"

I told him straight, "Na, I'm trying to live a pure life, and besides I haven't even got a pornagraph to play them on!"

* * *

You know you've reached middle age when a doctor, not a policeman, tells you to slow down, all you exercise are your prerogatives and it takes you longer to rest than to get tired.

      Friends News Sheet, Royal Perth Hospital, Australia.

* * *

When subjected to extreme feminine heat and pressure, male hydrocarbons will often produce a diamond.
        Scot Morris in Omni.

* * *

.........And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto Him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting Him that they might have to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down, and with His finger wrote on the ground, as though He heard them not. So when they continued asking Him, he lifted up Himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her (John 8:3-7).

And at that, a large rock came down out of the clouds and killed the woman.

Jesus looked up toward Heaven and said, "Aw, Dad, I'm trying to make a point here."

     (Rev. Lowell's Treasury of Humor: He Who Laughs, Lasts.)
* * *

Actor James Garner, when asked if he would ever do a nude scene, replied, "God, no. I don't do horror films."
     (Rev. Lowell's Treasury of Humor: He Who Laughs, Lasts.)
* * *

Just after the opening of the new Food For Life Opportunity Shop, Bhakta Barrie leaves a notice on the board inviting some of the female clientele to bring old or unwanted clothes from home to be sold at the shop. The sign read:-

"The ladies of the congregation having cast off clothes of every kind, may leave them at the shop for viewing on Friday afternoon before Harinam."
     Haribol BB.
* * *

Aniruddha was a fine upstanding young man, but then he fell down!

* * *

Two Deshis are attending a call of nature in the forest. Suddenly a lion appears.
Billoo asks: "Chotu, tujhe dar lag raha hai kyaa?" (Chotu, are you afraid?)
Chotu: "Nahin toh. Main shaer sae nahin darata." (No I am not.)
Billoo: "Jhoot bolata hai." (You are lying.)
Chotu: "Main aslee main nahin dar raha." (No. I am really not afraid.)
Billoo: ".....toh saalae, phir apnee gaand dhoh, maeree kyoon dhoh raha hai?" (Then why don't you wash your own backside; Why are you wiping mine?)

* * *

It was such a nice wedding, the bridesmaids wept, the mother wept, the bride wept, and even the groom wept. Even the cake was in tiers too!

* * *

The newly married couple came to the temple for an evening darshan when one initiating guru was present. The guru, after the darshan sat and devotees came and informally introduced themselves. As the couple approached the guru asked the husband, "Do you desire to have children?" The devotee was a bit startled at the bluntness of the approach, but finally came out with, "Well, yes as a matter of fact, I do."
 The guru looked at them a little sideways, then looked around the room noticing that the whole room was focused on his next words. Which were, "Well just try to control it for now!"

* * *

Once on travelling sankirtan the mother's party was travelling across the desert to return to the temple after being out there on the pick for three weeks. The driver was so intent on getting back to the temple that she missed the sign saying, "Last Petrol For 100 Kilometres," and zoomed off down the road. About three kilometres down the road she ran out of gas, and had to walk back to the petrol station. The attendant at the station told her that he would really like to help her, but he had no container to hold the petrol in.

Sympathetic to her plight, he agreed to search through an old shed in the back for something that she could use. The only container that would hold fuel was an old hospital bedpan. He was doubtful, but the grateful devotee told him that the bedpan would work just fine. So filling it up, she walked back to the van, taking care not to drop any. As soon as she got back to the van she started carefully pouring the contents of the bedpan into the petrol tank.

As she was doing this a big truck pulled along side her and addressed the sari clad devotee, as she emptied the last drops into the tank. Rolling down his truck window the truck driver said to her, "I wish I had your faith Sister!"

* * *

A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies I've always wanted to be lucky."

The genie grants his wish. So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He thought to himself “Yeah that’s me”, so he puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on "Lucky seven."  Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate, he thinks, than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."

The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra is being well and truly tested.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "Look luv, You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my bindhi mark."  So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing his ass off.

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.

To which the bloke replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"

* * *

A rather pompous sannyasi was seated next to an overbearing attorney on the return flight from India. After the plane took off again at Delhi the flight attendant came around asking if anyone would like some alcoholic drinks.
 The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was promptly placed before him. The attendant then turned to the sannyasi and asked if he would like to place an order for some liquor too. The sannyasi replied in disgust, "I'd rather savagely rape a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."

The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her, "Hey, I didn't know there was a choice!!!"

* * *

Life in this world is sexually transmitted and terminal!

* * *

Sometimes I think I take things too literally. Like the time when I was invited to a family gathering last year. They sent me an invitation which stated on it "Black Tie Only". "How embarrassing it was to find that when I walked in the room, to find that everyone was wearing suits as well."

* * *

Us believers in reincarnation have the upper hand in many ways to others. For many there is always the hope too, that the 'Afterlife' is better than here.
 To illustrate the point, ....I'd like to tell you of a married couple - a jealous wife and a husband who believed in reincarnation.

Well as it happens the husband finally died, as they do, and in keeping with the pact that the two of them had made years before the wife communicated with him through a spiritual medium twelve months after his demise.

"Are you happy there dear?" she asked him

"Happier than I ever was before," he replied. ".....the pastures here are greener and it's a beautiful world. The weaker sex are the most gorgeous creatures you have ever seen, wistful eyes that speak with love, sleek bodies, rounded form........"
 "Oh dear! Oh dear!" interrupted his wife, "I'm sure you'll do something you'll be ashamed of. I do hope I can join you in Heaven soon."

"Heaven?" boomed back the reply, "......who said I was in Heaven. I'm a bull in Texas!"

* * *

Sects! Sects! Sects! Is that all that you monks think about.......... ?

* * *

Why did the big black bumble bee fly around with his legs crossed?

Because he was looking for a BP station!

* * *

A Message displayed at out local thermal hot pool in Katikati, New Zealand.

What is missing from our pool?

Please keep it like that.

* * *

A sadhu (saint) and a shikaari (hunter) meet in the forest. The shikaari sees a bird and with his arrow shoots. He misses and exclaims: "Behanchood! I missed.".
 The sadhu says to him that killing animals is wrong, and as it stands using such dirty language when not succeeding makes it even worse. After some time the shikaari sees a deer and again shoots. He misses again and shouts: "Lund saalaa! phir sae missed!"
 The sadhu warns him: "If you use such crass language again. I will personally call upon the Gods to curse you!" This time the hunter spots an elephant at ten meters rang. He shoots his arrow and still he misses, and fried calls out: "Gaanduu! Missed even this."
 The saint loses his tolerance and prays: "Oh God. This man is such a sinner, he has sinned thrice in front of a sadhu, despite warnings. Take him away to the court of the king of death Yamaraj, and correct him."
 Suddenly out of the sky comes a "Throooooom! Booom!" There's a bolt of lightning from the sky and the sadhu is vaporised.
 Awe struck, the shikaari looks toward the sky and hears a thunderous, "Bhoonsadiwaalae! I missed too!"

* * *

Some interesting foreign names (to be said aloud in Hindi):
 Russian: iski-balls-kisnae-sqashski?
 Arabian: sheikh-mae-boom
 Chinese: iski-kinae-li, choos-it

* * *

"Now young man!" said the elderly brahmin. "My daughter! Are your intentions honourable, are you gonna mary her, or are your intentions dishonourable?"
The young devotee replied, "Well that's really broadminded of you prabhu, I didn't realise I had a choice!!"

* * *

"I used to be engaged to a woman with a wooden leg!"

"Oh, yeah, What happened?"

"I had to break it off!!!"

* * *

Two devotees travelling on a bus in India were talking to each other when one turned to the other and said, "Hey prabhu, how'd you know when you've passed an elephant?"

"You can't put the toilet seat down!!!"

* * *

Soumit Sahana (ssahana@msmail.bfsec.bt.co.uk)

An introduction. My name is Soumit Sahana . I am a Bengalee from Cacutta.
 I have been located in the United Kingdom for the last 6 months and will be here for the major part of the next 3 years unless I alter my career plans. While working with Fujitsu-ICL I had worked in Honkong but this is my first experience of living in the loony west on a long-term basis.

I wanted to share with you my observations about Indians using community gyms (which are really affiliated to universities / youth associations ).

The first agenda on many of my Indian counterparts' minds after arriving here seems to be 'to look good'. Thus we have both middle-aged fathers and young sloppy freshly-graduated kiddos all sweating it out in the gym in an effort to catch the eyes of some oversexed middle-aged equally desperate goris (white western women). They have a sort of herding mentality in that they always go to the gym together and all go through the same exercises though physically they may be a range of 5ft/100kg to 6ft/50kgs.

More interesting perhaps are the way in which they oggle gori flesh while whispering to each other in Hindi that Indian girls are much prettier and have better skin/hair/whatever. While using the showers they are the only lot who do not strip completely . Theres one bloke I know, who wears a peach coloured VIP in there. They also always, never use gels and carry soggy soap cakes in grocery-polybags under their arms for their ablutions.

While bathing the soap cakes inevitably make it to the floor and there are a lot of deshis groping around and sickly 'eckhkuz mes' . Some of these characters visit the gym only for the bathing facilities, either lacking or trying to save on hot water at home. They share 40p cokes and ?1 hair dryers amongst 6 and talk knowledgeably about Linford Christies . And of course they never remember to get all their towels / combs and talk of how Indians are a more friendly lot as they would share anything with friends ( including the 12p tissue pack at 2p each )

* * *

This is a true story that happened to me in Vrindavan October 1983.
Just after the birth of my son in Vrindavana I went to a Vedic Astrologer to have his chart done. The astrologer spoke very little English, and we relied on a rickshaw walla "Tomato" as an interpreter.
 The astrologer took note of the details of the boys birth and began to make the chart. He told me to come back in a couple of days.
 After talking with a couple of devotees at the Krishna Balaram temple they asked me to check with him as to what longitude he had for the chart or if he'd done for Delhi, some 90 miles away.

When I came back to the astrologer's house there was a big family gathering there. He kindly asked me in and gave me the chart - in Hindi. I asked him, "What longitude?
to which all the women folk broke down into hysterical laughter. I persisted, now gesturing skyward with my arms, "....longitude!!!" Each time I said that word the women went into hysterics.
 Obviously I was saying something, but I didn't know what. I asked my rickshaw walla, "....what does it mean longitude???"
 His response was confirmation that it was pretty outrageous, whatever it was. I pressured him to tell me, he wouldn't. I gently pulled him outside, and asked him again, "What did I say, when I said longitude?" He simply went bright red, shining through the brown skin, and hanging his head, made a triangle with his hands and moved it down to his groin and said, "This mathaji's thing....!"
I suddenly felt like the earth could swallow me up where I stood. Meekly and apologetically I ventured back into the house and got the rickshaw walla to say that I was sorry and that longitude in English meant the place where the native was born (longitude and latitude). Again they all fell about in hysterics.
 We left, but I had to come back a couple of days later again. Later that day I found out that Chud was a gross term for vagina, and so I was gesturing and asking for a big vagina to them.
 When I returned the brahmin's wife answered the door. Shouting out to her husband, Longi Chud is here!!!! ....and again began cackling with uncontrolled laughter!

* * *

One late morning in Vrindavana in 1984 one French devotee and myself were walking back from the Goshalla via the miandering warren of paths that lead back to the main road, and Krishna Balaram temple, where I was Treasurer.
 Suddenly there was this overpowering stench of stool came as if bellowing down the alley toward us, which forced us to take shelter of the chaddars over our shoulders to our noses and mouths. (Someone obviously had been passing and hearing us coming had got up and walked away "leaving a deposit"......!)

Then as if in a spit second came a pater of foot steps and a hog came charging around the corner and stuck his snout into it and began to eat - his curly tail indicating his level of bliss.

Needles to say we nearly threw up. However at the same we philosophised this fellow's perdicament, and ours. We know that the level of enjoyment for us compared with the devas is pretty damb puny, even discusting, then what to speak of that of the level of spiritual enjoyment one tastes in the Vaikunthas or in Goloka compared to us. We're seeing this fellow and pitying him, but where do we stand as we root around for our quota of sense graticication among the dirt of the Kali yuga.

* * *

more coming...............