Hasya Raasa

Ghosts, Gandharvas
Other Paranormal Phenomena.

Garuda Puranam chapter 20. 31 and 32., says that "When one loses faith in the Vedas, Smritis, Puranas, and Dharma shastras, or abuses the devas, brahmins, gurus, either in their presence or absence that aberration is due to the influence of preet, or ghosts." Garuda Puranam chapter 8. texts 90 and 91 qualifies this further with the statement as recorded, spoken by the ghosts, "We stay where people do not follow the Vedas, where there is no feeling of shame or falsehood, no faith in religion, no sense of discipline, no inclination for forgiveness, no patience and no knowledge."
 There are numerous kinds of "bhutas", i.e. According to the shastra there are many, many different types. Just as there are many kinds of gross body so the various developments of the subtle body are also there. There are powerful Brahma raksasas, or angry brahmins with fearful eyes, or tantrics who may have died due to their own or another's misdeeds. Garuda Puranam chapter 11. texts 4 and 5, says that by kidnapping another man's wife and stealing the property of a brahmana one also becomes a brahma raksasa, and thus have come to some unfortunate end. Pramathas who are not harmful, but others like Vetaalas who like to haunt cemeteries, and who animate dead bodies (Zombies), they create an atmosphere of fear wherever they go. There are Shakini and Dhakini witches with shrill voices who abuse and curse people, there are also attached house-hold Preetas who give their relatives hard times, dancing on the roof tops, playing games with them and frightening them because they never received their offerings of Vishnu prasadam after death. What to speak of Guyaksas; how many of us have experienced things disappearing from our homes, offices etc., only to turn up later somewhere else, or even in the same place where we looked several times. Well, this is the business of the Guyaksas. Previously they were thieves, and even now without a gross body still they cannot give up their old habits, they just have to have things. But where can the put things, not in their subtle pockets, so they hide things. There are the wandering Bhutas who are with no residence, and no-body to go to, least you give them one, or Durmanas dejected souls who moan and weep at night. Vinayakah hobgoblins, Mulon, Yutadhanis, Malanaya etc., etc., some are brahmins (of the nefarious kind) , some kshatriyas (who worked against the dharma), some vaisyas (who cheated their clients), some sudras (who abused the care of their authorities), and some who are from outside the scheduled varnas (unclean and uncoothed, ready to do any filthy deed), so many, and they each have their different effects and influence on different people. There is even one especially found to prey on women, and which causes miscarriages in many. It has it's head tucked down into its body, and is known for its abnormally long (nearly two feet) and thick penis which causes harm to women of pregnant disposition.
 Krsna book chapter 84 says that "Instead of being devotees, they are simply impediments on the path of devotion." But here we can see their fallen dispositon in a different glow.
 The persons who are most affected by, and absorbed in ghosts are generally in the mode of ignorance. Their sysmptoms f life are often simply very weak, desolate or derelict, actually they have already given up their life practically speaking, due to some disappointment or trauma, yet somehow or another due to karma they still live on. Such persons leave the subtle doors to their body wide open to total take over. They are unkempt, and usually addicted to smoking, drinking and other forms of intoxication as a way of drowning their sorrows, which are due to lack of direction, are many. These unfortunate souls sometimes are called schizophrenic by mundane doctors who are blind to the subtle realms. Have had some deep suffering to contend with, but just didn't make out. Due to drugs or traumas, carelessness or inattention to functional details of mind, body and soul, personality changes take place, or several personalities appear. That is the actual case, but because western doctors can only deal with gross bodies or at best the workings of the mind, to some degree, and not souls that move from body to body like a person changing shirts or jackets so they cannot understand what is happening. They say its a psychosis, the fact is that we have accepted this material world as our home, and that is enough to invoke psychosis in any one. Is this what we really want to be as our goal in life, some seem to want that?
 It is because of miss identification that one accepts such pitiable conditions to be our normal way of life. As we have personally seen some kinds of pitiable souls suffering from the same ghostly ailment, one can see may these days on the street corners and back alleys of all the major cities of the world, in their shinny black suits, long dirty hair and beards, hard contorted faces, drooling and insane, going through rubbish bins, sleeping on park benches, with their little brown paper bags with a bottle inside, or arguing with "themselves" and hurling abuse at passers by who muse.
 They are not talking to themselves, they are talking to their new friends whom they have taken shelter of. Sadly it's a mutual thing that brings about this situation, best only known to the victims of it, but that will not easily be revealed. I have seen that they couldn't even see their suffering, so dull they couldn't anymore remember their pain. It's true that this is what they wanted. Some say "Oh leave them, they're happy enough." But that kind of happiness is not a real understanding of what happiness really means, or what its characteristics are. It is ignorance, that is bliss to some.

(Are You Superstitious, Do You Believe In The Supernatural, And The Occult? Are You Dying To Read This Next Section?)

How do you get a ghost to lie down perfectly flat?

You use a spirit level!

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Everyone says she's just like an Angel.

Too bad she fell from the heavenly planets and landed on her face.

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What kind of deserts do Australian ghosts like best?


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I've had a really tough time for the past seven years. Because I'm superstitious I put it down to the time when I saw a ghost seven years ago. He was so ugly that even to this day some of us are trying to work out which one of us broke the mirror.

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One ghost said to the other ghost, "Hey, would you like to see where I had my apparition?"

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How do ghosts get into houses?

They use skeleton keys!

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When the devotees approached the ghost in the haunted bell tower do you know what he said to them?

"How's Dings with you prabhus'?"

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Once a devotee had to go to attend a relatives funeral. When he walked into the cemetery to get to the place where his relatives body was being buried, he saw carved on a tomb-stone the following, "Here lies Ronny Riche, a lawyer, a member of the theatre, a father to many, and an honest man."
 The devotee turned to one of his relatives and asked, "I know with all these bodies being buried it takes up a lot of ground, but how many bodies do they put in each grave these days?"

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What kind of keys unlock a burial samadhi?

Skeleton keys.

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Did you hear about the ghost who wanted to go to the Sunday feast, but didn't have any body to go with????

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Three devotees in India were talking about problems that they were having with bats. "Even though they are living entities, I took a sling shot and fired at them. I broke a few windows and cracked the roof but the bats are still there."
 The second devotee said, "I trapped them alive, took them to another part of the district and released them. But sure as anything the next day they were back."
 The third devotee said, "I caught them too. But then I made them life members, and some I initiated too. I haven't seen them since."

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Why are ghosts so boring?

Because they're groan ups.

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What kind of shoes do ghost's wear?

Boo - ties


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What is a ghost's favourite pudding?

Boo - berry pie and I - scream!

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What do ghosts like to eat most?

Ghoul-ash, and spook-etti.

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First devotee (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second devotee, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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What did the polite vampire say to the dentist after being treated???

Fangs very much!

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Every celebrity has their own perfume fragrance coming out these days.

Shirley McClain has one called regression.

Some say it smells like something form a past life!

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Did you hear about the three ghosts who were invited to the tamasic party?

They went, but they didn't go alone, they dug up some of their old friends first.

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My daughter was taken to be a ghost once, although she's the most brilliant girl in the night-school.

I think it's because she uses phosphorescent make-up.

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Where does a vampire stay when he visits New York?

The Vampire State Building.

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What's purple spotted, hairy, has ten legs, tentacles, and sharp teeth?

"I don't know either, but there's one crawling up your dhoti !

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What happens if you don't give the required donations to an exorcist?

You get repossessed.

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What did the vampire and the ghost do from midnight to 00:10am. ?

They took a coffin break.

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What does a ghoul take when he has a bad cold?

Coffin drops.

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On a tomb-stone of a heavy smoker, the following inscription was found:

     It wasn't the cough,
     that carried him off,
     'twas the coffin
     they carried him off in !

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Once there was a dreaded witch of the name Siddhikari, who was known for her cunning and treachery. According to the legends that surround her (R.N. Saletore. Indian Witchcraft - Witches page 31. - ibid., I pp. 157-158.)
 She would often if not always change her physical form, sometimes altering its appearance to that of a man, sometimes a woman, and sometimes that of a beast!
 In this particular story she first altered her form to that of a young maid servant in the house of a merchant, where after gaining his confidence, she fled in the morning twilight from the city with all of the merchant's wealth. While she was fleeing, a Domba with a drum in his hand saw her and chased her to also rob her. When she came to the foot of a Nyogradha tree, discovering that he had closed in on her, she cunningly said to him plaintively, "What's the problem? Why are you chasing me? I have had a quarrel with my husband and left his house to die, therefore my good man, make a noose for me to hang myself with." Then the Domba thought to himself: "Let her hang herself; why what will happen to me if I be guilty of helping her kill herself especially that she's a woman, and so determined what can I do to prevent it?" So he fastened a noose to a tree and she feigning ignorance, said to him: "I entreat you, please show me how to do it!!!" The Domba, without suspecting her sinister motive, placed his drum down upon the ground as if a step, and then stood upon it, and said to her, "This is the way we'll do the trick." "Is there anything more", she asked. "Only one thing left!" and the Domba fastened the noose around his neck, " 'See, like this.....!
 Then suddenly kicking away the drum, she left him dangling there two feet off the ground with the noose now tight around his throat! At that moment the merchant whom she had robbed, spotting her from a distance, wanted to catch her, and seeing the poor naive Domba hanging there approached swiftly. But her seeing him immediately climbed the tree from where the Domba hung and hid herself among the dense foliage in the branches. When the trader came near the tree and saw the Domba hanging there, and her nowhere to be seen, the merchant's servant said, "I wonder if she is up in the tree?" and proceeded to climb it. On finding him near her, the witch changed herself into the most alluring and beautiful damsel, and coming close to the servant seductively in sweet tones said to him, "I have always loved you and now that you have climbed up where I am, let us take full advantage of the circumstances. Here is all the wealth that you may desire at your disposal (and an abundance of gold, jewels etc appeared); oh handsome man, come embrace me, we may make love......!" She kissed him and in doing so, bit off that fool's tongue. Overcome with pain, he fell down from the tree, spitting blood and uttering indistinct sounds like "Lalalla!" as he could not speak without his tongue. Beholding this, the trader thought that his servant had been seized by the wicked she demon and fled from that place to his own house, and the witch who was equally frightened and dreaded that he might return with more men, sped to her own home with all the merchant's wealth.

* * *
What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

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Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.

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What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir.  How do you boo."

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What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
Ghost toasties with booberries.

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What's soft, moldy and flies?
A spoiled bat.

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What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.

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Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

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What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

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What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.

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Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

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Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.

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How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

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Where can you see a real ugly monster?
In the mirror.

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When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

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What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

* * *
Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

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How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.

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What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.

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Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.

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What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom.

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What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.

* * *
How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

* * *
What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.

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Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

* * *
Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.

* * *
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.

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more coming............

Real Ghost stories